


Murderface's Day in the Limelight

by Malicei



Series: Write the Song That Will Be Our Salvation [2]
Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, Dark Comedy, Forever Alone, METAAAL!, Series typical levels of language, blow up doll, day in the limelight, everyone in dethklok is emotionally constipated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-24 23:45:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4938553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malicei/pseuds/Malicei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poor, poor Murderface. Overlooked and ignored except when they want to pick on him. It was time to break out the icecream and have a self-pitying binge.</p><p>What hope did he have? He was just a poor old multi-quadrillionaire rockstar in the biggest band in the world and there was still no one willing to sleep with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Murderface's Day in the Limelight

Aw, _gross._

Toki and Swisgaar, really? Jeeesus. Other people would have liked to use that couch in the future too, guys.

Gawd, they were depressing to look at. Now that he and Toki weren't the butt-monkeys of the group for the others to pick on, now it was just going to be Murderface.

Poor, poor Murderface. Overlooked and ignored except when they want to pick on him. It was time to break out the icecream and have a self-pitying binge.

What hope did he have? He was just a poor old multi-quadrillionaire rockstar in the biggest band in the world and there was still no one willing to sleep with him.

The one time he'd managed to get a prostitute who hasn't immediately made excuses and fled, he'd felt like a rapist just winking at her and having her freeze all bug-eyed like a startled deer waiting for it's inevitable death.

So he'd just sighed, handed her some cash and made a big fuss about how self-sacrificing and pure-hearted he was, giving away money for nothing.

She'd given him a weirded out but relieved look as she literally ran out.

So yeah, uh. Murderface didn't really have anyone and that didn't exactly look like it was changing anytime soon.

Well. Until now.

Toki waves them over to his computer. "Hey, guys, dids you know theys are making life size sex dolls withs the working parts? The mans are having pee-pees and the women-"

"Say no more, Toki. Let me have a look at that."

* * *

"…Woweeeeeee, Murderface, I don'ts think she can stands up anymore."

Swisgaar casually wraps his arm around Toki's waist. Nathan and Pickles haven't seemed to have noticed or else they're distracted by the quadruple X cup size.

"I likes the big titties as much as anybody else, but if the lady can only move by rollings around on her boobies I think it a liiiiiitle bit too big." Swisgaar notes.

Geez, thanks Swisgaar _._ And here Murderface thought he'd have an ally in the big booby appreciation club.

Oh, wait, Swisgaar seems to switched to the 'Toki's dick appreciation club.'

_My bad._

"So, ah. Redheads, huh?" Pickles mutters, raising an eyebrow.

"Shut up, Pickles."

"Pickles, it's totally okay what kind of people other people want to fuck. If, y'know. They're into it. Like if Murderface wants to have eight holes to fuck that's totally okay cuz sex dolls don't have feelings and there's no way he could break her heart like with a actual, living human being."

Geez, Nathan. Why were they all so emotionally constipated.

* * *

So it turns out it was a shitty knockoff company from China he'd ordered from.

Her face is an actual plastic clown face that's had fake eyelashes added and a sloppy cover up job on the red nose. Her hair is fluro traffic cone orange. The makeup is the most ridiculously creepy clownish makeup he's ever seen, it's almost exactly like Dr Rockso's.

He calls her Ronalda McTittyhold and whispers things like "where's my free toy with my happy meal, huh?"

"At least you'll always know where your gurlfriends is!" Swisgaar laughs when he sees her bright orange hair. "No need to stalks her, making sures she's not cheatings on you!"

"Shut up, Swisgaar. She's a fucking doll, that's kinda half the point. Besides fucking."

The working parts turn out to include a working bladder system. Turns out the others thought it'd be really funny if they programmed in a thing for peeing on people.

Joke's on them. Why did they think he kept trying to start Planet Piss? Did they not listen at all at his lyrics?

That was kinda hurtful. But hey, he didn't have to make excuses for if his girl pissed all over his room like an unhousetrained puppy.

* * *

So. The thing he'd told Swisgaar about how sex dolls couldn't cheat on people?

Yeah. He had an apology to make (that he wouldn't actually make.)

That stupid bitch Ronaldo had to go off and join that fucking cocaine clown's harem! He'd gone and walked in on that Harley-Quinn wannabe working her balloon toy magic on HIS Ronalda!

And Ronalda couldn't run around and claim the others were making her, that slut! Oh, so she'd just 'fallen' onto Rockso's ass, had she?

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

* * *

Back to his good ol' hand, then.

* * *

He gets diagnosed with carpal tunnel.

The doctor pats him on the back comfortingly. "Murderface, I'm aware it may be frustrating at first, but you absolutely must not use your hand-"

Doctors should know that if you tell people not to do something, they are always going to go out of your way to do it.

His coordination is fucked and that's why his hand slips very, very awkwardly (but he can't let go because his fingers have all cramped up). That's also how he finds out he CAN actually reach his dick with his mouth.

It turns out he's been going about it the entirely wrong way. Turns out his dick has to stretch to meet his mouth, not the other way around.

Murderface's resultant scream is loud enough for the recording software to pick up on it on the other side of Mordhaus.

Everyone agrees that take is the the most brutal sounding take they would ever take in the history of takes.

* * *

 

It goes down as the most blood curdling scream in the history of metal.

"That's very nice of you all to award me, Murderface, this super awesome award I deserve a hundred times over for being so brutal" he says at the Brootal Awards.

The crowd is going wild for him. Just _him_ , William Murderface, not just Dethklok or any of the other dickheads in his band.

"Murderface! How would you like to come onto Kvlt Underground Radio, so underground you can only get reception 10,000 feet below sea level?!"

"Hm...well...let's see- Pass!"

"What are your thoughts on a McBurgerface? We at Burzums would like to offer a partnership-"

"Pass."

"We have an offer-"

"Pass."

"Mr Murderface, we flew halfway across the world to ask that you please consider supporting our charity which aims to end world hunger wherever it can, including in such places as Zimbabwe, Sudan, Oklahoma, my aunt's house and Transylvania!"

So maybe this was a little more annoying than he'd first thought having the spotlight would be.

"Those Transylvanians can go starve for all I fucking care."

"Mr Murderface, sir! There are rumours going around that your infamous scream came from a new penis-torturing device you've invented yourself! Any comments? Are we to see you come out with your own Murderface sex toy line with something like an iron maiden for dicks?"

He actually pauses to consider it this time. "Tha-that's actually a good idea. I mean, that was my idea all along. Whatever. You dicks wanna buy a dicky-maiden and poke holes in your dick until you're hitting pitches you've never hit before?"

"YEAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Fucking metal!"

"Hell yeah!"

"I tried to fuck up my dick so I could be like you, Murderface! Take my gift and everlasting love for your collection!"

Something shriveled and suspiciously penis shaped goes flying towards his face. The Klokateers incinerate it mid-arc with their flamethrowers, along with everyone behind that section of the railings.

"Mmm, barbeque." Murderface says, and everyone laughs on cue.

"No gifts permitted." A klokateer shouts. The crowd is undeterred, with some of the most blood-thirsty reporters practically eating each other alive. Actually, that one just did. Huh. Cool.

"Murderface! How's it feel to be the most notorious member of Dethklok?"

"Pretty fucking good."

"Were Swiski finally getting together a surprise to you?"

"...What the hell is a Swiski?"

"Otherwise known as Tokigaar or Toki slash Swisgaar or Swisgaar slash Toki-"

"...What?"

"Toki and Swisgaar becoming a couple, sir!"

"Ooooh. Well, why didn't you just saaaay that? Jeez. I always called them gay even before they actually went and started doing gay stuff-"

"Do they do gay stuff in front of you? Could you get us a sex video?"

"What the- No! Grosssss, no."

"Is there a reason why you reacted so strongly there? It seems suspicious. Are you homophobic, Murderface?"

"No! Uh, no comment!"

"Is it true you will no longer be able to have children?"

"No. Comment."

"You seem awfully defensive about the whole Swisgaar and Toki thing. Are you in the closet?"

"No! Comment!"

The media will spin anything their way. By the time he wakes up the next morning he's an mainstream antilocal, anticapitalist capitalist, dick-mangling, penis-loving, infertile, homophobic homosexual who tapes sex videos of his band mates.

And apparently has bad facial hair.

According to the media, at least. Which is all complete bullcrap, of course. His mustache is _perfect._

* * *

 

A conclusion:

His dick is now as long as his arm. It would be what he's always dreamt of except now girls think he has a literal, battlescarred viper in his pants rather than a metaphorical trouser snake. They still don't want to see it so Murderface pays a Klokateer to help him jerk off.

It's not gay to have an oiled up ex-wrestler with a perfect body jerk you off, he reasons. It's his assisted masturbation aid for his poor, poor, disabled wrist. Besides, the Klokateer wasn't complaining. That poor guy probably had a crap job picking up yard wolf crap or something before being promoted to this amazing opportunity. Maybe that's why he's always really, really enthusiastic about working.

Huh.

So, all in all, things are great. Murderface pisses blood every time he plays bass without his hands, but he's now renowned as William 'Python Pants' Murderface.

So, yeah, uh. Worth it.

* * *

 EXTRA: A FEW DAYS LATER _(What have Pickles and Nathan been up to?)_

"Hey, Pickles. Glad you could make it."

"No problem, Nate'an. Just, uh, kinda wondering why you called me for a secret band meeting without the rest of the guys in this really dusty, dark, cramped closet in the middle of the night in the abandoned wing and then told me not to tell anyone anything about it?"

"Well...y'know how Toki and Swisgaar got together and are really happy and gay together?"

"Yeah?"

"And how Murderface has been really happy since he got that assistant to help jerk him off?"

"...Yeah...?"

"Well, I was like, thinking… we're the only ones in the band who don't have anything like that."

"...Where're you going wit' this?"

Nathan took a deep breath in. "Well..."

"Well what?"

"Well, now...I think..."

"Think what?"

"That..."

"Yeah?"

"Thaaaaaaat..."

"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah?"

"...that the band's too happy and not-brutal now!"

".........Oooh yeah! Tha's exactly what I was thinking too!"

"I mean- Toki and Swisgaar kinda have sexual tension when they fight now," Nathan notes. "Which is kinda not a 'I wanna rip you to shreds and feed you to the badgers' kind of atmosphere. And now Murderface is weird and happy so he can't do it either."

Nathan pauses for dramatic effect to look Pickles in the eye, an effort which was pretty pointless in the dark. "So…WE GOTTA MAKE UP FOR HOW UNBRUTAL THEY ARE!"

"HELL YEAH! ...Wait, how'd we do something like dat?"

"We, uh. Huh. _Huh._ What should we- OH! Oooooooh! I know!"

"What's dat, Nate'an?"

"We embrace the single life and screw ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL THE GROUPIES!"

"ALLRIIIGHT! Screw alllllll the bitches! Caaaan doooo! Bachelor bros forever!"

They high-fived over their new commitment to the single life and their new life goal of fucking as many girls as they could. The fact they'd actually managed to hi-five was an impressive feat indeed considering that cramped, dark closet they were sharing body heat in while everybody else was asleep.

Pickles paused for a second. "Hey...you don't think the others might have thought we were sneaking off to have a gay affair tonight in this closet after you loudly whispered it to me at dinner while everyone else could hear?"

"What? No. That's dumb. We're like, brothers now."

"Yeah. I 'unno where all the fans and stuff get their weird ideas from. I accidentally saw some of the art they do and there was this one where the whole band are having a giant orgy."

"So? That's alright, I guess." Nathan shrugged. "Lots of girls to go around."

"Nah, this one didn't have any girls."

Nathan paused. "Really? Huh. I thought it was mostly straight girls who liked doing the fanart. What do they get out of it? They don't wanna draw themselves having a piece of the action?"

"Apparently not. Total sausage fest. Not a pussy in sight."

Nathan blinked. "Huh. I guess everyone has their own weird fetish."

"I guess so. Wonder why they like all that exotic 'love' and 'romance' crap and not something normal like choking yourself while on helium and wiping your ass with a live ferret."

"I dunno. Maybe they think we're the weird ones. Maybe what's normal for the regular jerkoffs is our weird and our normal is their weird."

"Duuuuuuuuude. You really think so?"

"Nah. That's just crazy talk, Pickles. That's just crazy talk."

**Author's Note:**

> \m/
> 
> I don't have anything against Nathan/Pickles, I just wanted to poke fun at the habit of shipping allll the characters together (something I've been guilty of myself in the past.)


End file.
